traffic tuesday #2 – more right hand turns

On my way into work today I experienced today’s Traffic Tuesday rant. I don’t recall my speed, (I expect I was going a few miles/hour over the limit) but suddenly a lady in a silver minivan decided to move from the inside left lane to the outside right lane in front of me. She didn’t quite cut me off, but I did have to tap the brakes a few times to keep a safe distance from her.

It’s a good thing I’m such a good, safe, defensive driver.

Almost as soon as she was fully in my lane, her blinker turned on (it wasn’t on prior to this) to signify that she was turning right in the upcoming Dominick’s parking lot. The parking lot that she should have been signaling for in the right lane before she got in front of me. At this point, I had to quickly slow down as she made the turn in front of me.

These traffic situations completely baffle me. So to understand (i.e. rationalize) such insane behavior, I’ve come up with some possible explanations:

  • Option 1: Soccer mom obsessed with soccer to the point that driving becomes an extension of the eternal soccer game in her mind. This woman is simply driving her car as though she is playing an automotive version of the game. Pulling in front of me and turning into the parking lot is really her way of stealing the ball and making a breakaway for the goal. This is done with the screams and cheers of Park District soccer moms everywhere echoing in her head. The play is finished when she cuts off a handicap person in order to park and then runs around the minivan several times yelling, “Gooooooaaaaaaaal!”
  • Option 2: I can only imagine that there was a sale at the grocery store that this woman just couldn’t wait another 10 seconds for. There are only two things that could elicit such nonsensical behavior from someone: chocolate and $.25 pop. First, chocolate. Women everywhere are known for losing all rational thought when it comes to this magical and enchanting substance. As I drove past this woman (while utilizing my horn) I did not see any evidence of foaming at the mouth, so I can safely assume that chocolate was not on sale today. This leaves me to believe that there were reports that the $.25 generic pop machine outside the store had recently been restocked. Everyone knows that these wonderful machines are actually instruments of despair. It’s a proven fact that these machines are filled exactly never percent of the time. This poor woman probably heard that it had been filled through an email with the title “Fwd: Dominick’s fills pop machines, just buy one and Bill Gates will give you his fortune and help find this missing child.” Since email is always accurate and Bill Gates is so rich, it’s understandable that this woman lost all sense of rational thought.
  • Option 3: While listening to her Dominick’s scanner (like a Police Scanner, but a device solely created to eaves dropping on the famous grocery store’s announcements) this woman heard “Cleanup on aisle 7”. Since seven is the perfect number and cleanups are always on aisle 6, this woman realized that this special announcement signified that the spill must have been in the shape of the Virgin Mary. In her desire to make millions on selling admission to seeing the sacred site, she jumps into her van to stake her claim on this blessed event. She therefore had to pass me, just in case I had been listening on my scanner (a gift everyone has gotten from their imaginary friend) and was on my way to the same location ahead of her.

Author: erik

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2 Comments

  1. LOL! You’re too much :)! How come I never received a Dominick’s Scanner?? You and Mike are both so aware of what everyone else is doing in the car… I’ve been called magoo a couple of times..

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  2. All that because some lady cut you off?! I think maybe you need a day off…
    Actually what would bother me more would be that the soccer mom was driving in the left lane at all and thereby holding up traffic in the passing lane.
    I had someone tell me once, as everyone is passing her on the right that it wasn’t her fault after all, she was driving under the speed limit. I think she thought it was her duty to try to slow everyone else down.

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